wonder if you’re reading this…
For the past semester I decided to focus more on making myself a future than trying to live in the moment. I’ve picked up an internship along with a full course load. I feel like I’ve worked harder this semester than any other to try and make something of my life. I know it’s not over yet but getting my last rejection call from Accenture kind of hit me pretty hard. I’ve been doing all this on my own and honestly I have nothing to show for it. It’s like saying to all my friends “hey I’m not going to hang out with you guys so I can secure my future” and then coming back empty handed.
After my last rejection call, which was basically my last chance at trying to get something going after I graduate, I immediately called my mom. She answered and all I could say to her was that I was sorry. Sorry for not being able to get a job and sorry for failing as a son. People may think this is overdoing it but I can’t help but feel like I’ve failed her. YOUR FUTURE IS FOR YOURSELF AND NO ONE ELSE. People seem to think this way and I get where they are coming from, but for me my future is just as much for my parents than it is for me. How can you not think that? I mean we graduate and as good kids we should be able to say “mom and dad, you’ve done your jobs…thanks for always supporting me but now I can handle it on my own”. How satisfying it would be for me to say that to my parents. I want to be independent so that they can just retire and chill, but sadly i can’t bring them that kind of relief.
I feel like people my age don’t worry enough about this. At the same time I feel like I worry too much. The key is balance and my life does not achieve this. I fail at being able to fully rely on God and His power to take over but at least I’m doing SOMETHING. There seems to be a lot of people not being active and just hoping that God drops something into their laps. I am not saying this to make it sound like my life is any better because it truly is not, but I can’t help but think that there is value in taking action and trying to honor God through things you do and not just waiting for God to hand you something. Who am I to say this though? I’ve been active for only maybe my last year of college. This is hardly long enough to say that I am a hard worker. I should have really been better at trying to get my life together in first 3 years of college.
I have been neglecting a lot of people since I’ve started doing my own thing. I always hear that I’m “MIA”. I really don’t like that word though…missing in action. I have plenty of action in my life right now, just not the same actions as others that I used to spend time with. Saying to someone that they are MIA is basically saying, “Hey you’re not around when I’m there”. Whenever I say to someone they are MIA I feel like I’m telling them that I’m not going to deviate from my day to day activities so when I don’t see you I think you’re missing out on something. I hate saying that to people. I feel like I’ve failed as a friend when I say it. Why not go out your way to see these people? If someone is being MIA in your actions, why not try to find them in theirs? Is this too selfish of me to ask? Is it too much for me to ask for someone to try and take interest in WHY I’m doing what I’m doing and not just assuming that I’m missing out on all the action? I guess I haven’t made it the easiest task to find me and to reconnect but I also think it’s been a good thing for me because I’ve found those who take the time to go out of their way and try and understand what I’ve been going through. Of course I understand that is it completely ridiculous and selfish to make people accommodate me and my life so I do not hold anything against anyone. I just really appreciate those that have put an effort into spending time with me. I do not deserve these people, but I’m glad that God has blessed me with them.
People seem to be getting caught up in the rush before graduation; trying to experience a lot of things before they lose the opportunity. I don’t know if it’s this fear of leaving college or some other reason that has caused something to happen among my class people. No one can argue against me that in these recent times, the 4th year class has somewhat separated more than united. Maybe separated is too hard of a word but I can’t find a better word to describe it. Maybe people are now just realizing the people they feel strongly towards and are spending more time with them instead of all together as a whole. But my view is probably biased in all this because of the way I’ve chosen to spend my final semester. All I know is that I’m not going to sit here and lie to myself saying that the 4th year class of GCF is a super united group like it always has been. The truth of the matter is, we are not what we used to be. I might be able to go as far as saying that what we used to be was never really what is was thought to be, because then why would all this be happening? I’m not bitter about it though. I have the relationships I hold dear to me and I will never let go of those. For the rest…time will tell which relationships were true and which were just “hey you’ve been so MIA”. Again, I’ve chosen to live my life recently in more of an isolated state so my opinions and judgments might be completely off, but maybe me stepping back from everything has given me a clearer view of everyone as a whole. Who knows? These are just my thoughts…
I’ve made some new relationships amidst all the chaos of my life. I have to admit though; these new found friendships are strange (in a good way). They seem to have this ability to disregard time as a factor of closeness. I’ve only known some of these people for about 2 months but it feels like I’ve grown up with them. They are a big reason why I was not completely heartbroken when I made the decision to stay in Charlottesville after graduation. How have I become so attached to people I’ve just recently met? I think it has to do a lot with the ability for these people to trust me. The admittance of flaws and past failures in their lives, the feeling that they can open up to me without the fear of being judged, and the want to always keep me updated on their lives. These things show to me that trust me and I appreciate it more than they know. Even the small things like asking me what I’m up to in hopes of hanging out or letting me know random happenings in their day like seeing a strange creature or a strange looking person. All these things show to me that they trust me and truly want to have a strong relationship with me. The sad part is I don’t know a way to show them just how much they mean to me besides random acts of kindness. I’m really bad at being able to show people what they mean to me. Hopefully those who I care about and those who know me well know this and are able to see that I’m trying my best to show them gratitude. Of course there are also those certain few relationships that I’ve had for a while that I hold VERY VERY dear and I hope if they are reading this they know they are also GREATLY APPRECIATED. That means YOU 대통령. I don’t deserve any of these people in my life. I see it as a gift that they have chosen to be a part of it.
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