walk -> halt

Last semester of my college life has finally started.  I don’t really know how I’m feeling about it right now.  I’m already back in my shell, isolating myself in my room with no real human interaction.  My classes could be better, but I guess they could also be a lot worst.  I’ve started interning at SNL financial in their media department a few days a week.  Thanks Diana for the recommendation and Hwoo for letting me know all the info.  I am another step closer to my future of sitting behind a desk.  I really can’t complain though, I didn’t work as hard as I could have in school, and it’s not like I’m exceptionally smart.  I think it’s a lot harder when I feel like out of the people that I consider being my close friends, I seem to be one of the very few who is struggling with job searching.  This could be because I don’t really talk to anyone so I don’t really know what’s going on. But to me, it seems like the majority of my year people have bigger and better things in mind than just sitting behind a desk.  Why is it that I can’t bring myself to take a chance and do something worthwhile with my life?  Instead, I feel like it’s more important for me to get out from under my parents and start being self-sufficient.  I used to want to make butt loads of money, use that money to buy very historic places, demolish those historic landmarks, and then build one single bathroom named after the place I just demolished.  My first bathroom was going to be the UVA Rotunda Pooper, followed shortly by the Edgar Allen Poop Room, which would obviously be a bathroom with a glass door in remembrance of the ridiculous viewable lawn room here at UVA that used to house Edgar Allen Poe.  Since then I feel like I have grown and would be satisfied with making enough to live comfortably in Charlottesville, which personally I feel like is not much at all.

The problem that gives birth to all this doubt, complaining, and insecurity in me is the fact that my spiritual walk with God has slowly but surely come to a complete halt.  I think this is the first time I’ve finally admitted to myself that this is a huge problem in my life.  Usually I just think, “Oh I’m just having a little slip up, it’ll get better soon”.  I have to face it, I’m so far from God I can’t even see Him.  What makes me feel worst is to see all the people around me rejoicing in God’s glory especially after all these revitalizing event they’ve attended during the winter break.  It makes me angry to the point where I criticize those who are living their lives for God because I can’t seem to bring myself to do so.  I haven’t even truly thanked God for giving me the internship and sadly it doesn’t register to me that this is a problem.  Confusing? I think it’s because I’ve been trained to KNOW what’s right but I’ve confused this knowing with BELIEVING.  Just because I know what I’m doing isn’t right, doesn’t mean I believe or feel that my life is as screwed up as it is.  I don’t feel that urgency to return to God.  I know I should feel bad for being so far away from Him, I just don’t care.  I know I should be praying for my family, my friends, and myself, I just don’t want to.  That’s why this problem is so dangerous.  Maybe I am now finally starting to understand this spiritual crisis in my life by admitting it.  Does my life need change? Of course it does, but again, I can’t bring myself to feel that I want it to change.

Usually at this point in my post I put something like “I pray that I will be able to come back into His arms” and fill you readers with hope that my life will turn around after I press submit, but I can’t put that here.  My class had their first prayer meeting and I didn’t attend it.  Billy came back telling me how great it was and all I could think was “how could it have been that great?”  I couldn’t fathom the idea that praying for others and being prayed for by others could give someone such joy.  Maybe that’s why I feel like my life has been particularly empty recently.  All I can think about is graduating and making money.  I found out the next prayer meeting is at my apartment on Sunday and all I want to do is not be here for it.  I know I should be here because it’s probably something I need right now, but I just don’t want to deal with it.  Some of this is because I don’t really feel close to my class anymore, and it makes me wonder if I ever really did feel close to my class.  I don’t feel sad that I won’t be seeing some people after this last semester and I feel comfortable with telling employers that I am willing to work anywhere they want me to even if it’s in like North Dakota.  Have I really distanced myself that much from the people around me? Or have I just not realized how much these people mean to me?  There is a part of me that hopes it’s the first one because I don’t want to feel sad about leaving college.  I want to start living my life independently from others.

On a brighter note, I’m really excited for the work that 29eleven has been up to.  I never thought that this team that got together for a summer film competition would actually still be together making videos.  It sucks that I’m not up there getting my share of the work done but just meeting up that one night and planning the last project was great.  Photoria studio is amazing I finally got to go over winter break.  It was my first time because every time I try to go Jennie Roh says I’m not welcome L lols just playing she’s the nicest person she would never say that.  It has been great sharing this dream we all have of making film a major part of our lives.  I can only hope that I will get the opportunity to make film my life, but right now there are a lot more needs in my life that I have to satisfy before I can really devote my life to something I enjoy.  It’s sad to think that I’m so unwilling to just drop everything and follow my dreams.  I know it seems weird, I mean if it’s my dream I should go after it right?  I think I worry too much about life to let myself enjoy this short time I have on the earth.  A part of me looks at people who can drop the boring parts of life to do what they love with disapproval but another part of me looks at them with jealousy.  I think it’s a good and somewhat rare trait, for my generation, to think more about the practical side of life.  At the same time I over think the practical and turn it into worrying too much about all the little details.  Like when I go to a nice restaurant, I make sure to have cash in different bills because I worry that the place will not split the check especially if it’s a lot of us.  This past Monday my apartment went to this restaurant for restaurant week.  Now, thinking that this place was a pretty nice place and wouldn’t split the check like boars head or places in Tysons 2, I brought cash in different bills to make sure I could pay for the check easier.  It turned out that the restaurant asked us if we wanted split checks and my worrying was for nothing.  I was the only one who actually paid in cash and I don’t know if anyone else brought cash but it seemed like I was the only one who was thinking about this.  What if the restaurant didn’t split the check and one person had to pay for everyone?  I guess in this situation it wasn’t a big deal since we were all apartment mates but I’ve been to plenty of dinners where someone paid and everyone had to pay them back and at least 3 people forgot.  Come on guys really? If you owe someone money just freaking pay them as soon as possible, don’t be the person who forgets stuff like that.  That’s freaking money; don’t play with other people’s money!  Look at that, I have not failed to complain at the end of my entry as always and now it is 5am…I have class in 5 hours.

Summary: My Spiritual life is shot, nothing else really matters.

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