in Centreville…not the VA one

so im here spending some time with my family
i felt very proud of myself for spending three days here
but now i immediately regret deciding to do so
yea spending time with my family is great
but man this is pushing me to my limit

my mom for some reason decided to buy a 2 person couch
and not like 2 normal people
more like 2 infant children
wth
what is the point in buying this thing
i dont think many kids need a couch specifically tailored to their body size
and yea those of you who know me are probably like
but wait chris
youre not really mr average sized person either
well if u are thinking this then
1. youre a dick and u hurt my feelings
2.  i know this and i have taken this into account for my complaining
this is also my bed
so when i lay down
my head is propped up against one armrest and my knees are as far as the second armrest reaches
so the part that is on the sitting area is my neck torso and ends just below my man parts hehehe

i wake up like at 1pm
this is after trying to pull out as much sleep outa my body as humanly possible so i can avoid doing nothing
spin around and turn on my laptop…
wow i just noticed this
with the addition of my small laptop 11 in laptop
I LOOK LIKE EVEN MORE OF A FREAKING GIANT ON THIS COUCH FML
neways
after watching dexter
which i have to ration because i only have like 36 hrs left of it total and thats not enough to outlast this visit T.T
i use my phones 3g signal on my laptop to go online and try and find SOMEONE to chat with
after only seeing that lynn teng and eunice chung are online
i sign off realizing that talking to them will not only bore me more
but will also cause me to barf uncontrollably for atleast 2 hrs
syke im jp girls
its only 1 hr
neways
this is about the time i go rummage through the fridge and find something to eat
that last about 2 mins cuz i eat fast
i then return to my mini barbie dreamhouse sized workstation
and mindlessly search the web for anything to entertain me
after that i try and sleep dreading the next day to come while crying to myself because im so bored

but its not all bad
i brought all this laundry for my mom to do
hahaha i walk in and im like IM HOME DO MY LAUNDRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and i get to eat without really thinking about how much it cost and stuff
and i have to admit i kinda miss my mom yelling at me
CHRIS STOP SHAKING YOUR LEG
CHRIS WHEN U GET GIRLFRIEND U OLD U NEED GET MARRIED
CHRIS EEGUHMOYAH!!!
CHRIS CHUNCHUNEE JUM MUHGUH
CHRIS TSHIRT JUM BUHLYUH BOHGEE SHEELUH
CHRIS NUH MUHLEE JUM BWAHBAH GUHJIE GAHTEH
i then just laugh to myself hehehe
AND PUNCH HER IN THE FACE (JK…i just do it in my mind)
its such a blast from my past
ive never had to deal with someone telling me what to do or nagging me for like 6 years now
its so werid

-so the post gets really emo from here…just to warn you HAHAH-

and i realized that this living situation…with my parents kinda far off and stuff
its really shaped who i am
this place im at right now is just temporary
my mom doesnt plan on living here for the rest of her life
so i dont get the home feeling (not to mention my dad still in ATL)
i dont get to bring home frozen korean food to eat for the semester
so when i see people wasting money on going out
when they have a fridge FULL OF FROZEN MEAT
i dont get it
it is such a LUXURY to have food that you yourself dont have to pay for
i shop every 2 weeks for groceries and when i literally have NO FOOD LEFT in the entire house
i go out and shop again
i wish i could bring back food and not have to go shopping
i live my life on a budget and i dont get to have breaks where i go home and just feed off mom and dad
i guess thats why i focus so much on money
i dont ever plan on not having bills in my life
i dont see myself ever going back to a unified home where i can just relax and not worry about money
it kinda makes me mad when i see others taking home for granted
but at the same time who am i to look down on people for doing that
i just grew up with different circumstances that caused me to be this way
i have no right to pass judgement on others

God has made me the way i am for a reason
Hes put me in the position im now for a purpose
i question His judgment all the time though
why God have u let me parents business turn out the way it did
why God is it that when i want a job so i can be independent from my parents
you only send me rejections from companies
im trying i really am
to stay with YOU
and i know it shouldnt be hard for me to do this
You keep me alive day after day
You put a roof over my head
You give me food
You give me people that love me
who am i to ask for more
but i cant help it
i cant help but feel like this is not right
why should it be so hard for someone like me to get a job??
all i want to do is stop taking money from my parents
WHY IS THAT SUCH A BAD THING???
why cant companies see my drive to work and get out of this place
and because i dont have the liberty to screw around and live with mommy and daddy
ill work harder than anyone else there

the hardest struggle right now is too keep believing that God has a plan for me and that it is glorious to Him
but i mean if i cant even believe that…im already lost and hopeless right?

4am
time to try and get through the last day here in MD without jumping off a bridge

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