life after

It’s 6:30 in the morning and I could lie and say I just got up to have a productive day, but in reality I just haven’t slept yet.  WHY?!?!?!?!  A lot of reasons:

1. I’m hyped to go to NY with my boys
2. I started playing this game again
3. I didn’t get invited for interviews for any of the companies I applied to so I’m sad
4. In fear of my ever prevalent homeless future, I decided to apply to more places
5. I’m trying to do all this on my own, and not let God give me comfort

So it’s almost time for me to get up and leave this 4 year rollercoaster.  As I look at my fellow classmates I can’t help but feel somewhat alone in my specific struggle.  Most of the people in my year are going to grad school for a various reasons.  I’m pretty sure there are at least 4 pastors in the making and probably like 3 full-time missionaries from my year.  As for me, with the way my life has turned out, I need to just get a job and get out of my parents financial burdens.  I keep telling myself that since my goal is centered around a good reason (at least i think it is), God must be on my side, but more and more God has been putting road blocks in my path.  I’ve been so bitter lately about it.  GOD WHY CANT U JUST LET ME GET A JOB SO I CAN LIVE MY LIFE.  Then I realize maybe I’m blaming the wrong person.  It’s not like my academic career is anything to boast about.  Maybe I should have gone to an easier school? Maybe one where I don’t have to be stuck with an econ degree and i can major in business without having to apply to ANOTHER school within my school.

I could blame a lot of areas that are attributing to my overall failing of life, but what would that do.  In the end, I still don’t live a life that produces any fruit and I still don’t read the Bible as much as I should.  I have a good feeling these things are a lot more important in my life than any career.  So then why do I not pay any attention to my life’s TRUE failures?  God loves to break me.  Sometimes it’s like “ok I get it, can I get a break?”  And I don’t mean to make it sound like God loves punishing me.  It’s more like God loves to TEACH me every day, but I just never LEARN.  At this point I need to prioritize my life better, and I feel all the rest will fall into place.  I’m still going to try my best to get a job, but I guess this time I’m going to do it with a lot more prayer and an overall better mindset.  Also with a heart willing to accept that maybe my plans for my life are wrong and that God has me destined for something COMPLETELY different.

I AM NOTHING.  I AM A HORRIBLE DIGUSTING PERSON.  Who am I to say that I am worthy of being successful in this life.  God I know you have a plan for me.  Please teach me to not just KNOW this, but to BELIEVE it and trust You.

later

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